Barriers

Is it just me, or are the boundaries too fuzzy? It just me who feels like there's a super-thin line between feeling bad about something and wallowing in self-pity? Wonders if there's any difference between being the adult and being idiotic?
Am I guilty? Am I hurt? Am I wondering if I've made the biggest mistake in my life? Or the smartest decision yet? 'Fell stroke', he said.
Am I being the adult by not saying anything? Or just plain stupid in letting a large bunch of people only hear one version of the story? In never turning up in court to present the defense's case, Your Honor? Am I being proven guilty because I choose not to say anything?
Am I sane? (Sorry, the answer to that one I know, 'course I'm not :D)
Ugh. Last question, I swear :D
Can I run away? Like really far away. So I won't be in the court's jurisdiction anymore? :D
I'm positive R was right when I spoke to him earlier...It's never gonna get better. That's the one thing I'm darned sure about.

I spent last evening with a friend who was out to convince me I needed to find a life. That's not dramatic in the least bit. And soon. I have to admit, I see his point. The amount of drama in this life, dearie, is getting unpalatable.

Wonder if there are manuals for this kind of thing (considering we could have instructions on not to put our feet in between lift doors, it's possible, innit!)...

I can feel it coming on. One of these days, I'm gonna convince myself to just leave.

Mockery

This time I have tangible proof. That the whole thing, all of life is a frigging joke!
Six years and it meant naught! I need to lock myself up in isolation if I don't know what a person's capable of even after six years. That she could hit me, and then in her head create the picture of me hitting her.
It hurts. So bad. I want out. To be real real far away. And I don't want to have to hear about any of this again. Ever. And I want to stop feeling guilty about nothing.
I WANT IT TO STOP NOW. NOW!