Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And his hands shook when we parted....
What is it I want? Great question, and one that everyone asks themselves only about a million times in each lifetime. From life, from myself, from my partner, everything. What?!?! I mean.... after all.... all things said and done... What is it I am looking for?! Gimme too much attention, I cringe; give me too less, and I make myself back off, not wanting to get hurt in the bargain. Selfish? ? Aww...c'mon... everyone is. And even if there are selfless (stupid?!) people out these, I couldn't care less. Coz I am not perfect. And I am willing to accept it.
Forget relationships, thinking too much about that bit has never gotten anyone anywhere in particular! But other stuff?! Is it really best to just go about life like nothing is happening? Just so people don't know how bad it is for you? Coz I don't relish sympathy. At least I don't think so. Of late, everything has been falling apart, and it makes me wonder if I really do know myself at all. Not that I don't have emotions, just that I don't show it. I dunno why, but I've always been that way. I mean.... since I remember!! I'd rather pretend I'm perfectly fine. I keep hoping that by pretending enuf, I would end up believing that I AM fine. Sounds stupid, but there are times when you just do not want to deal. With anything. It just happens to me rather often.
I just went through a situation where people would expect emotional displays of some sort. They were almost scandalized....no, not almost.... they WERE scandalized when I promptly moved on. Hell, everyone deals with their problems their own way. Here's mine. I pretend the problems don't exist. And they don't, not until I start writing.

Friday, November 18, 2005

To think or not to think....that is the question...

There are times when I think I should stop and think about my life. But then I remember that every single time I have done that, the results have been disastrous. Maybe it's best if I don't think or retrospect. Maybe I really am too impulsive even for my own liking. And then I DO tend to postpone thinking about unpleasant stuff. Why??! Hmmmm.....Good question. Because then I'd have to take decisions, and that spooks me. It freaks me out because decisions lead to change, and I'm terrified of change. And yes, candid enough to admit that.
I like consistency. Not as a policy, but as a preference. I like it when things go the way they have been going, even if that wasn't the best. And what happens when change strikes, you ask...( true, it always does happen too...)
I adjust rather well, I should say. Funny?? Maybe. Because I tend to put off thinking about the changes too, and continue living as though it was always that way. What's wrong with that, you say, you seem to be coping perfectly.
The problem being that all this comes crashing down on me one fine, say, Tuesday morning and I feel like someone right under...i dunno...King Kong's feet. Like a house of cards which falls down at the slightest touch. Balanced, but precariously. Sad but true.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Flashback...

It was a vague memory, but yet uncannily clear. As she stared at her computer screen with the message box glowing, the words "Hi! This is Varun Puri. We knew each other at Bombay, yearss ago. Do you remember me!?" burned into her mind. The trauma she thought she had overcome a few years ago hit her all over again and all she felt was boundless anger threatening to burst forth. "I was in class 1, you b***ard, and you were in class 6", she thought.
The bus stopped and as ever, 5 kids got off. 3 of them went into building A, while the little girl and the boy walked to building B. And he said, "Let's walk through the garden, I'll show you how to play a new game. But it's a secret, and you shouldn't tell anyone ok? This is our little secret, hehehe.....". And the little girl, oblivious of what she was gettin herself into, happily said "Yes bhaiyya!". In the midst of the covered walkway, this "bhaiyya" of hers said, "Now I shall show you the game. Take off your shirt. I'll show you what a kiss is, and don't tell anyone, ok? Our secret, na! Hahahaha......."
She thought back to her 7th grade, when this buried incident had resurfaced, and she took months to get back on the road, stronger than she could ever have hoped to be. She had come very close to doing something stupid too, but had stopped herself in time; realizing that there was no reason whatsoever for her to feel guilty, and wondering what kind of sick b***ard would do that to a six-year old, and that too when he was barely twelve himself.
Brought rudely back to the present by the loud "BUZZ!" of messenger, as she looked at the glowing box, all she could feel was a bizarre mixture of disgust and helplessness. The void looked even bleaker suddenly, she realized. And there wasn't even a thing she could do about all this. Never could she get back at him. There was no getting back. Ever.