What is it I want? Great question, and one that everyone asks themselves only about a million times in each lifetime. From life, from myself, from my partner, everything. What?!?! I mean.... after all.... all things said and done... What is it I am looking for?! Gimme too much attention, I cringe; give me too less, and I make myself back off, not wanting to get hurt in the bargain. Selfish? ? Aww...c'mon... everyone is. And even if there are selfless (stupid?!) people out these, I couldn't care less. Coz I am not perfect. And I am willing to accept it.
Forget relationships, thinking too much about that bit has never gotten anyone anywhere in particular! But other stuff?! Is it really best to just go about life like nothing is happening? Just so people don't know how bad it is for you? Coz I don't relish sympathy. At least I don't think so. Of late, everything has been falling apart, and it makes me wonder if I really do know myself at all. Not that I don't have emotions, just that I don't show it. I dunno why, but I've always been that way. I mean.... since I remember!! I'd rather pretend I'm perfectly fine. I keep hoping that by pretending enuf, I would end up believing that I AM fine. Sounds stupid, but there are times when you just do not want to deal. With anything. It just happens to me rather often.
I just went through a situation where people would expect emotional displays of some sort. They were almost scandalized....no, not almost.... they WERE scandalized when I promptly moved on. Hell, everyone deals with their problems their own way. Here's mine. I pretend the problems don't exist. And they don't, not until I start writing.