The law of diminishing marginal feelings!!!!!

Won't they ever sing, ala Jim Morrison, "I've been down so goddamned long, that it seems like up to me!" ? Ever?

Claustrophobia.

Start by listening to this. Pay attention to the lyrics, too. Especially when she says the bit about 'something wrong with every plan of my life'. Just about captures exactly how I feel.

A few months ago, I started off by saying I'd un-dramatize life. Just when I thought I'd gotten to a good start, the bi*&h kicked me in the butt!

Something's gotta get better soon, eh?

My dream, and I know I'm saying this for the gazillionth time, is to become hope-less. And soon.

Dedicated to Highlander :)

So let me start by giving you some context. I'm extremely overworked right now, owing to some folks from the Canadian office being here. I've slept a total of 8 hours in the last 2 days. I've been working for 13 hours at a stretch now, thanks to some suggestions I made on improving a bunch of valuations, which in Cap One means I'd have to implement them!

I resort to my usual feel-better-thanks-to-relative-misery technique and call Highlander up. He listens to me rant and rave, tells me he's still at work too (relative misery in play here, take note) and then tells me to go check out this link and hangs up.

How can this not make me smile, I say? :)

Cheers, mon ami!!!!

S.O.S.!!

Calling Highlander!! Sloppy's getting sloppier (and messier?) by the day, whither art thou?

It's no fun being Sloppy alone, I miss you :(

Give me one reason - Tracy Chapman

I dont want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason - give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there aint no more to say

I suffer from occasional flashes of reality getting to me, sometimes the world forgets the fact that I'm trying to be seven years old...

Conditioned to not knowing the difference between right and wrong? I endeavour to simplify, but S says I complicate 'coz I don't really see what I'm doing...

It's abominable how I manage to go right ahead and do the things I didn't want to each time. Over and over again!

I should have been quarantined at birth, I say!!!!

Can I pretend to have amnesia? Please, pretty please!!

So I was sitting with a friend at this place that serves rolls, 'coz I was violently hungry (an event in itself, he was quick to assure me!)... The guy at the counter gives me one half tissue, and since I was glaring expectantly at him, he gave me another couple of squares. And I find myself saying "I'm excessively messy, can I have some more? " And grinning! My friend didn't stop laughing for like...10 mins! ( I needn't mention I got almost half a bag of tissues shoved at me by the chap at the counter :D :D)

So we sit down and (I) eat, and all my predictions of how messy I was going to be were surpassed by far, and I mentioned how I was so glad I got half the box of tissues....And my friend looks at me and goes...."I get this feeling you are very different from the person I knew, say, four-five months ago, a by far improved version 'coz you have, finally, decided to grow down!" And I'm thinking, yea, seven is a rather good number :D

I am rather silly and wide-eyed and child-like in my approach these days :D I like!!!!

The wasted vigil...

"This is among the few things that can be said about love with any confidence. It is small enough to be contained within the heart but, pulled thin, it would drape the entire world."

(In retrospect) Wonder what I was apprehensive about. It was surprisingly easy!

A paean, to say the least...

I love the word 'Naive'...Love the way it sounds, absolutely adore the way it just absolves you from criticism!

I mean....in social situations, if you're being d-uh stupid, in retrospect, you can just go "I was being na-ee-ve wasn't I" and sulk for a bit, and people treat you like it was a virtue! :D

This is brilliant, I think I'm finding more and more ways to shirk adulthood!

So I'm talking to this guy from work, and telling him how I thought the one brilliant bit about adulthood was being able to eat whatever you felt like and call it a meal... Like when you were a kid and you'd want more cookies near mealtimes, adults would always be telling you off and saying cookies would ruin your appetite... And now you can just eat them for dinner, as many as you want, nobody's stopping you! And later you can call your folks and say 'Ma, I ate cookies for dinner' and grin like an idiot when they are annoyed at you! They can't hurt me after I'm done with my cookie meal, can they :D

So anyway, this guy, he looks at me and says 'Yea, but eventually you have to grow up'...And I'm staring at him, I don't know what to say... He's evidently not getting the humor, so I say "This is how grown up I am! I'm not growing up anymore, I'm 24. How old will I be when I realize cookies don't make a meal, they actually screw my appetite? 60? That'll be a lil late for realization, don't you think?" and he looks at me like I'm diseased. Ugh. People, I tell you.

If the bus I had been waiting for hadn't turned up, I swear I'd have done something reasonably evil to him.

Anyway, I just scribbled this post 'coz I had to hallmark this historic day. The birth of the unlikely (unwilling) superhero buddies....Sloppy Sloth and Highlander. Let there be light (drinks and a bite would be better, though!).

...!!!

And now, I shall spend my days wondering if I'd be able to catch another glimpse of him.. If our timings would clash again... If I'd be able to walk into this building and see him first thing everyday....*sigh*!!!! Unbelievable, how asymmetry can just kill you sometimes...lopsided smiles are right on top of that list!! :D
I feel like a darned teen again (which is good, I'd started feeling a little like a grand old maid there :D)
But I don't have a doubt about this: if he ever attempts to talk to me, I shall just faint. (I'll aim at his arms, yes!!! :D)
I think I should stop grinning like a vacant idiot now :D *Grin* Alright, now. *Grin* :D :D
(I've been like that all day...people at work must think I'm finally losing it!!) *Still grinning*

The games people play!! Concen-fricking-tric circles. And the tightest ones are the ones that I draw myself into.

:)

This was his status today:

Its manyu's (slap less-scratch less) budday!!...and no ill not mind if u bring drunk girls back in "our"(again 'our') apartment!!!!!! :)

The bit that surprised me, really, is that my only reaction to this was to smile! It's easier, really, once you decide your life deserves better. Far easier to push things away, and far easier to be objective about what you want in it and what you so totally don't! And to figure out what deserves a reaction and what is to be ignored!

I like :D

Barriers

Is it just me, or are the boundaries too fuzzy? It just me who feels like there's a super-thin line between feeling bad about something and wallowing in self-pity? Wonders if there's any difference between being the adult and being idiotic?
Am I guilty? Am I hurt? Am I wondering if I've made the biggest mistake in my life? Or the smartest decision yet? 'Fell stroke', he said.
Am I being the adult by not saying anything? Or just plain stupid in letting a large bunch of people only hear one version of the story? In never turning up in court to present the defense's case, Your Honor? Am I being proven guilty because I choose not to say anything?
Am I sane? (Sorry, the answer to that one I know, 'course I'm not :D)
Ugh. Last question, I swear :D
Can I run away? Like really far away. So I won't be in the court's jurisdiction anymore? :D
I'm positive R was right when I spoke to him earlier...It's never gonna get better. That's the one thing I'm darned sure about.

I spent last evening with a friend who was out to convince me I needed to find a life. That's not dramatic in the least bit. And soon. I have to admit, I see his point. The amount of drama in this life, dearie, is getting unpalatable.

Wonder if there are manuals for this kind of thing (considering we could have instructions on not to put our feet in between lift doors, it's possible, innit!)...

I can feel it coming on. One of these days, I'm gonna convince myself to just leave.

Mockery

This time I have tangible proof. That the whole thing, all of life is a frigging joke!
Six years and it meant naught! I need to lock myself up in isolation if I don't know what a person's capable of even after six years. That she could hit me, and then in her head create the picture of me hitting her.
It hurts. So bad. I want out. To be real real far away. And I don't want to have to hear about any of this again. Ever. And I want to stop feeling guilty about nothing.
I WANT IT TO STOP NOW. NOW!

Lol....Saw this one on Drumster's blog...!! Thought it was rather apt!!

I don't hate people, but I seem to feel better when they're not around..

Found out.

That's what I've been. Found out.
It's hateful, really. Why, though, do I feel I'm under pressure to be 'nice'?! It's this, y'know, this stupid lack of an ability to just say no. And then you get so misunderstood for things it's funny. And then I want to run away again, from all of it. It's a loop, and I want out!
I'm an escapist and that's all there is to it. A chronic liar, maybe?
When I think about it, I don't care. It's the circumstances I'm in that bother me a little. Messed up, me is.
And horrible and vile and foul and detestable, they say. Me, I say I'm just very selfish. It's not an excuse, it's a fact.
Eventually, do things get better? Is it always going to be this way? :( :(